Archive for May, 2003|Monthly archive page
You know, with half of my undergraduate career on the verge of done here at UMCP, so far I can only really say I leard one valuable life lesson: squirrels fucking rule.
I’ll bet you’ve walked mindlessly from one class to the next, completely ignoring the sheer awesomeness of squirrels day after day. Boy, are you missing out. Here’s just a few reasons why squirrels are totally kick-ass:
- Squirrels never have to take final exams.
- Female squirrels dig doing it in public.
- Squirrels never have to do anything except the three most enjoyable things in life: eat, sleep, fuck.
- If you play your cards right, you can make a steal and live on a college campus, where dumbass students willingly get raped by dining hall prices only to throw away half of their shitty food, for you as a squirrel to find by rummaging in the dumpster. Even though dining hall food is shitty, you’re just a squirrel; your brain is the size of a pea. You’re too stupid to notice.
- Squirrels never get jock itch, gonorrhea, or other shitty diseases.
- Squirrels are fortunate enough to die after only five or six years. You live the high life for a while and then have the decency to die young. Awesome!
- Nobody will ever fuck with you because you can bite the bastard and give him rabies! Score!
- Your eyes don’t face forward, so you can make eye contact during conversations and not have to stare at ugly people or feel awkward, ’cause you’re scoping a hot squirrel babe to your left and/or right.
The only thing squirrels don’t do, which makes them only marginally inferior to bears, is hibernate. Hibernation would really be the best new thing this genetic voodoo we’ve been doing could provide us. Just because our ancestors lived in the tropics is no reason not to sleep away a good four months. How cool would it be to get really, really, ridiculously fat by eating all of the foods we love for the fun, carefree summer months where there’s no school and girls wearing bikinis (although they should probably stop doing that, or you should stop looking, around august if they plan not to starve to death in the coming months; or better yet, only men should be allowed to hibernate). You eat your life away for six months so you have enough fat on you to go without eating for the entire months of December, January, February, and parts of November and March. Then, you fall asleep for like, 90 days. Roxor!!!! When you wake up, all your fat’s been burnt away, so you’ve totally got like, six pack abs, and it’s time to hit up the babe market.
You know, come to think of it, maybe only men should hibernate. Here’s why: first, refer to the bikini problem. Fat chicks are what I like to call “visual pollution.” This is because girls will be caught dead in public and/or actually fuck fat guys if they are smart, dependable, have lots of money, have a big dick, or some combination of the above. “Personality” can beat fatness in female perception of men, but god, fat chicks are like, a crime against humanity. Note that I’m talking about chicks here, not women past the age of 30, because god almighty, if I were a woman and I had to think about my figure all the time and eat salads, fuck me, I’d kill myself before I reached 30, so I don’t really blame them for finally living the good, fat life. (Being fat is so cool. I can hibernate and you can’t. Plus, eating is so, so good. The only thing which is better than eating is getting into bed. Hibernation kicks ass!!!)
The other major reason why only men should hibernate is to really give women a chance to strut their stuff. See, women have been bitching for like, three decades already about how they want equal pay for “equal” work and they are independent and blah blah… so, for three months out of the year they get to show the world what they’re made of because all of the men will be soundly asleep. I bet in the first year alone when all of the oppressive men who have been holding the women back are out of the picture, we’ll see revolutions in science, math, and at least one suspension bridge or major tunnel project begun. It’ll be woman’s time to shine.
Am I right or what?