Archive for August, 2003|Monthly archive page
There’s a piece of shit commercial that’s been polluting the airwaves for some time, one that is so horrendously bad it almost causes me to go into convulsions as I lurch for the remote in a desperate attempt to keep this marketing vomit from causing irreversible brain damage and deplete my IQ points. Not that I don’t have plenty of those to go around, but seriously folks, watching this commercial is like laying face down on a bad of broken glass while a dozen midgets jump up and down on my back while trying to sodomize me with a watermelon. This stinking pile of shit is really, really that bad.
Surely you’ve seen it. In a desperate attempt to sell their piece of shit piracy boxes to little giggly college freshman who don’t know shit from shinola, Dell gets some advertising asshole to come up with a commercial that would appeal to the idiot ‘back to school’ crowd and their idiot parents. The result is about what I would expect some moron who majored in marketing to come up with. It’s about the same quality that you would get if said marketing major farted some jism all over a storyboard and fingerpainted with it. Thus, we get, “Roadtrip!”
“How did three Dell interns research how people used their Dell PCS? ROADTRIP!” Christ almighty. Who the hell does this appeal to? Wait, this is about as obvious as the results these “interns” drew: how about idiot morons who, in a burst of a delusional thinking, reason that pulling straight C’s in low track math somehow warrants a vacation.
Seriously, I can’t believe how absolutely retarded this commercial is. Here’s what these interns that Dell supposedly sent on this supposed roadtrp came up with:
1) “Some people use their PCs for staying connected.”
2) “Some people use their PCS to take pictures, and share their lives.”
3) “Some people use their PCs for digital entertainment.”
If I were Dell and this really happened, you know what would happen? I’d FIRE the interns. Then, I’d FIRE the moron who came up with the idea of financing three asshole idiot teenagers to traipse around the country on the company’s dollar. Maybe they wouldn’t need to sell so many computers if the people spending money at Dell didn’t have their heads totally up their asses.
Let’s take a look at these conclusions one at a time, keeping in mind that this marketing scheme is designed for a 13-18 demographic:
1) Staying connected [with family and friends]
Translation: you can download AOL instant messenger!!!1111 I can buy a PC that can handle e-mail and AOL and any bullshit communication protocol you want short of video conferencing, which nobody uses, for $50. I can also buy a PDA that does all of the above. I can “stay connected” with anything that has a connection to the internet, which is just about anything.
2) “Taking pictures, sharing their lives.”
Ever heard of film? Seriously, I’ll admit as fast as anyone else that digital cameras rock, but seriously, doesn’t it just make you wonder how people “shared their lives” before this particular selection of Dell PC models? Also, how is this different than #1? Why not say, “You can connect to the internet and send pictures as e-mail attachments or via IM.” To anybody who isn’t a complete idiot, 1 and 2 are not at all different. Stupid!
3) Digital entertainment
Translation: rob the RIAA and the MPAA and clog up your school’s data infrastructure with your fucking stupid KaZaa downloading (and uploading, because anybody who is dumb enough to be convinced by this pile of shit commercial is obviously the same kind of fucking moron who allows other people to download their files as well so, if their university’s network even had a chance at allowing people who know what the fuck they’re doing to actually do it, they make sure to clog the lines with their shitty music which the asshole on the other end will use to torment his roommmate by playing that honkey shit at fucking 8AM on Saturday). Seriously, it’s a whole lot of bullshit. How stupid.
Here’s the part that really fucking pisses me off. “Somewhere around Bismark, it hit us: what if Dell bundled the things that people use, so people can get the most out of their PCS?”
Translation: what if Dell used stupid, juvenile advertising gimmicks to convince parents to spend thousands of dollars on stupid shit that their whiny brat children don’t need? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure the answer to this one: Dell will get away with selling millions of dollars of useless, stupid shit to useless, stupid customers. Then maybe, just maybe, they’ll break even for spending the money to send those little fucks on their “roadtrip” and shelling it all out to air this fucking piece of shit commercial.
“ROADTRIP!” Jesus Christ.