Train wreck

I can’t help myself: Taurus555 is a train wreck.

This is one of the many losers who attempted to eCourt (unsuccessfully, the reasons for which will soon become obvious) my current girlfriend, which pretty much means he sent her a few messages. If there were a step by step guide for writing online profiles guaranteed to keep the girls away, following it would inevitably lead to this. Let’s dissect this disaster piece by piece.

First, the headline: “Looking for a kind, loving woman”. Of course, as opposed to “looking for a cold-hearted, maniacal bitch.” Are you looking for a life partner or your mother? Kind? Loving? He would have been better off saying something like, “looking for a creative woman with low standards.” Creative, to counterbalance this boy’s obvious creative black hole, and low standards to put up with such a subpar opening statement.

Next, his basic stats: what could possibly go wrong here? Sure, he shocked us all with his sign and his height is a disappointing 5′7″, but he managed to start his descent into the festering pit of awful when he decided to lie about his body type and say “average.” You’re not average, you’re fat; we can see it in your face and your carefully disguised double chin. Here’s a tip for the ladies: all fat men say they’re average; here’s proof.

Under his profession, he lists “database administrator”, in other words, the least common denominator of the IT industry. Since most girls don’t know anything about IT or engineering, this might actually cream up some of the status driven whores. Well, let me refrain: this might actually cream up some of the blind status driven whores, because if they’ve gotten this far, they’ve already gotten past his picture.

This boy should not smile, for the simple fact that he looks frightening and disturbingly like a pedophile. Aside from that fact, he needs to do a better job with his hair and his photoshop skills. Crop out that carpetted pillar near your desk (which looks like it’s in the basement). Can you not be trusted near wooden pillars?

Here’s where a mediocre profile goes from attracting only fat girls to attracting only zero girls. In fact, what he says in his “About Me” section would keep even barn-yard animals away. Let’s read on.

Where to begin? My physical appearance should be apparent from my picture, but if you want to know my height, it’s 5′7. Yup, I ain’t the tallest bloke around, but I got a big mouth to make up for it. I say what’s on my mind, and damned proud of it.

Everything about this opening paragraph is wrong. Firstly, don’t say something stupid like “where to begin?” Thinking out loud is acceptable in an extremely limited number of scenarios, for example, when your boss is leaning over your shoulder asking you whether you finished that report for him like he asked, or when a girlfriend asks you if you would ever consider marrying her. Thinking out loud is a way to buy you a few seconds of time in which you can generate the correct bullshit response to avoid getting fired and/or having to put up with two hours of crying instead of two hours of sex. To actually go through the effort of thinking out loud on the internet means you lack a basic social understanding of where and when saying something stupid like, “hmm, where to begin?” is appropriate.

Next, he makes up for wasting some of our time by wasting more of it, by stating the obvious. This profile could be improved 100% simply by trashing the first two lines, because we already know you’re a disappointing 5′7″ because it’s listed half a screen up. Stupid.

I am not a big fan of trying to write as though you are speaking with an accent; I find it kitch and a pretty lame attempt at humor. However, if you aren’t instantly turned off by his use of the word “bloke,” you will be when he “damn proud[ly]” declares that he says what’s on his mind with his “big mouth.” Someone really should have taken this kid aside and explained to him how the world works because unfortunately he just doesn’t get it.

You know who says what’s on their minds? Children. Little kids. Saying what is on your mind is inappropriate just about 99% of the time. Here’s a simple example: hot girl approaches you in office with new hair cut. You think: “nice tits” You say: “nice hair cut.” Why? Because if you said “nice tits” you’d be cleaning your shit out of your desk and explaining to your landlord why your rent isn’t on time this month. This very basic example extends to every second of every minute of every hour of civilized life. If we all said what was on our minds, we would have gone extinct as a culture and probably a species altogether, to be replaced by something like a chimpanzee which is smarter than Taurus555 but can’t talk.

As we grow into adults we learn how to communicate at a higher level. We communicate with diplomacy, tact, and finesse. This doesn’t apply only to our interactions in the office, but also in our love and family lives. If your girlfriend is wearing pants that make her ass look fat, let her figure that out by herself; you lie to her and tell her she looks good anyway.

If you are proud of the fact that “you say what’s on your mind” it means two things. The first is that you clearly have a lot of growing up to do and are therefore deserve the title ‘boy’ rather than ‘man’, but also that you are probably a very unappealing partner because you make an ass out of yourself every single day and probably don’t realize it. Also, you probably aren’t ready to offer the kind of emotional partnership that women desire, because you say hurtful things because “they’re on your mind.”

Of course, to Taurus555, he probably is proud of the fact that he thinks this makes him honest. What he needs to understand is that the bullshit we’re fed when we are kids about how a lie is “anything that isn’t true” is, itself, a lie, and in an ironic way, it’s the kind of lie that when you are an adult you understand is an important lie to tell, because even though it isn’t true, it is helpful for children to believe it because they are incapable of discerning what lies are the kind that are against the law and what kind of lies keep business relationships and romantic relaionships going across the globe. Telling a girl she looks fat in her pants, even when she does, is not being honest, it’s being an asshole. Am I right?

I’ve never had sex, but would like to. There’s only so much you can do by yourself. I was a virgin by choice, now I am one by circumstance.

Wow. Just plain wow. Talk about striking out before you even get up to the plate. Why in the world would you say this shit? Firstly, a 23 year-old virgin falls into one of three distinct classes of people, two if they’re female and one if they’re male. For the females, one possible class is that she’s chaste and saving it for marriage. Most girls who fit into that category fit there because in their home country they’d be stoned to death if they weren’t. It’s the 2000’s — sorry, but that excuse just doesn’t fly anymore. Even devout Catholic girls are whores these days, because the social climate is that if you aren’t fucking then you aren’t dateable. Deny that all you want; you can learn the hard way. The other possible class for girls is that they are so hideously ugly (and this usually means fat) that they couldn’t find any man to sleep with them. Gross!

As far as a 23 year-old male virgin: you’re a failure. That’s what you’re saying: I’m a failure. There’s no other way around it. Being a virgin “by choice” just means that’s what you told yourself when you sat alone every Saturday night for the last 23 years to give yourself some excuse not to hang yourself in your garage. Falling back on the excuse that your religion demands it makes it easier for you to tell yourself that lie.

“There’s only so much you can do by yourself [but I've done it all]“. Gross!

“I was a virgin by choice, but now I am one by circumstance.” Yeah, that circumstance is that no woman is willing to sleep with you. Seriously, do you hear yourself speaking? What do you think a woman who reads that is going to think? “Oh, well, I guess no other woman would sleep with him. Maybe I should!” Haven’t you ever been at a social gathering where… okay, scratch that, haven’t you ever been at a restaurant with your parents and watched a group of women go to the bathroom in herds? Women are herd animals. They don’t boldly go where no woman has gone before, especially if that “where” is down on you.

Video games are my primary, and really, my only vice. Being good at them is not mandatory, but it certainly helps. I drink occasionally, but stick to wine and liqour because beer makes me sick. I enjoy a whiskey sour, stereotypical though it may be.

You’re a boy and you work in the IT industry, and you’re a virgin which means you don’t get out much; of course you play video games. Here we go again with stating the obvious. Guess what? Video games are not sexy, and I sure as hell hope that being good at them is not mandatory because what women are? Girls generally have better things to do than play video games because even the ugly ones can date black men. What really gets me is how he finishes it off, here: “but it certainly helps.” Beggars can’t be choosers, pal.

Not only that, but if his only vice is video games, you’re going to be in for a wild ride with this guy. I’m sure he’ll take you to exciting places such as Hyrule and Azeroth. Here’s a tip: most girls would prefer a weekend in Vegas.

I’m going to translate the remainder of this paragraph: “I drink occasionally, but stick to girl drinks like wine and Cosmopolitans because beer makes me sick. I am unoriginal and afraid to try new things, so I saw one of my friends order a whiskey sour once and claim I like those because I have very little exposure to any other kind of alcohol, such as the creative impromptu punches served at the parties I was never invited to during college.”

Here’s where the profile really takes a nose dive:

I sit around a lot, so all of you outdoorsy types are welcome to come into my life and change that. “A man that wants to be changed?” you say, I say “Yes, I need more exercise, don’t let my pudgy physique fool you” I am not “hot” though I’ve been described as “cute”. I haven’t made an earnest effort to lose weight, but plan to do so soon. Probably after the holidays; no sense in trying to fight THAT much temptation.

Good god. I didn’t think anyone could be this completey, patently inept. “I sit around a lot”? Jesus Christ. Do you really think women are attracted to couch potatoes? Oh, but that’s okay, because you’d be more than happy to let a woman who isn’t a lazy fat ass “come into your life” and force you, probably against your will, to do physical activity which your years of physical inactivity have left you pretty much incapable of performing for more than 20 seconds at a time. The fact that you don’t exercise regularly or, you know, go “outside” probably means that you don’t enjoy doing it. Most girls are not physical trainers and they certainly don’t want to hear you bitch about being tired and fight them when they ask you to do something as simple as go for a bike ride. Girls who are into that shit are into guys who are into that shit and guys who are into that shit don’t write stuff like “I sit around a lot” or admit to being fat.

No girl wants to come into your life and change you, and they certainly don’t want to be “fooled by your pudgy physique.” For the record, “pudgy” describes a Poodle that’s had a few too many Kibbles and Bits. Pudgy is not a male adjective, it makes you sound like a pussy. A fat pussy.

For the record, any time a male says, “I’m not hot, but I’ve been described as cute”, he means his mother tells him he’s good looking. He also means that he is singularly unattractive.

Most importantly, though, it means that in his own mind, he’s not hot, he’s cute. And actually, most men who say that don’t actually think they’re cute. They know they’re ugly bastards, but they also know that “ugly” sounds bad on online profiles so they write this bullshit instead in hopes that what they’ve heard about women being willing to overlook male ugliness is true. And it’s only true if you’re rich, and no 23 year-old DBA is rich. This means that his own self image is flawed. If he actually does manage to date a woman, he will probably be so surprised and grateful that he will always act like a pussy around her because he will constantly wonder how he was able to ever date a female who is also human. Any man who says shit like this in his profile is guaranteed to be a beta male. Ladies, stay away.

Just when you think it can’t get worse it does; “I haven’t made an earnest effort to lose weight, but I plan to do so soon.” What a total load of shit. If you haven’t made an effort so far and are fat today, you aren’t going to make an effort not to be after the holidays or ever. Fat people are fat for a reason; take it from me. I’ve been overweight by about 20 pounds my entire adult life (except for college when I spent a lot of time at the gym), and I will never lose that weight becuase I have no earnest desire to. The difference is that I don’t make stupid claims like I plan to. The problem with people like this is that in their minds they justify their fatness by honestly believing that at some point in the future they will lose weight. They imagine that they are not fat because they won’t be fat; but in the back of their minds they know they won’t bust ass at the gym because they don’t want to, but they ignore that truth because it detracts from their ability to justify their own failure. The expression “one bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” would probably fall on deaf ears.

And lastly, as if there could be some redeeming value to this sentence, he uses a semicolon to cap off a sentence fragment (i.e., misusing it) and finishing it with another: “no sense in trying to fight THAT much temptation.” He can’t keep his fat fingers out of the cookie jar over Christmas. His overbearing mother stuffs food down his throat. And ladies, remember, if he can’t withstand a temptation as basic as not eating Christmas ham to excess in December, there’s a good chance that if you aren’t the only human being willing to sleep with him, he’ll screw the only other human being willing to sleep with him, because after all, “no sense in trying to fight THAT much temptation.” Lack of willpower is not an attractive trait in a human being period, let alone a romantic long term partner. Life is full of temptations. It mostly comes in the form of other pussy which leads to divorces.

I liked to write, though I haven’t done so in a while. I haven’t read a lot (recently), but will gladly talk books with you without hesitation. I am not a perfect gentleman, but I am an imperfect gentleman. I won’t get everything right, and god knows I make mistakes, but I do my best.

What drek. This is the 2000’s. Even if he liked to write it’s evident by the total ineptitude with which he put together this profile (and his demonstrated inability to use the semicolon properly) that he was awful at it and therefore, it’s not worth mentioning. He hasn’t read a lot recently because drinking boxed wine and playing video games is more fun, but he’ll still talk books with you without hesitation becuase he lacks a personality and is desperately hoping that you’ll carry the conversation. Also, he’s a beta male pussy and will pretty much let you drive the date because nobody ever reminded him that like all things, as a man it is his job to take control. Don’t put the woman in the driver’s seat. You’re on top; establish that from day one. Even if they are bitchy feminists on the outside, their emotional, instinctual desire for a man who solves all their problems, takes control in a crisis, and smacks them on their ass and pulls their hair while ruffing them up in the sack is in control of them, just the same as in the women who admit it. Talk books if and only if YOU want to talk books. However, make sure if you are talking books (at your discretion), you give her plenty of air time and you pay attention. There’s a difference, subtle as it is, to being an overbearing asshole and being a man.

While Nicholas Cage is busy being his pussy beta male self in The Rock, Sean Connery gives it to him straight.

Cage: I’ll do my best!
Connery:Your best? Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen!

Never, ever, admit to being imperfect. You’re trying to sell yourself. Focus on what’s going right for you, what makes you better than the other 3 billion men out there. Don’t focus on your flaws. Don’t even admit that you have them. When was the last time your car salesmen spent an hour telling you what’s wrong with their cars? When was the last time you bought a car from the guy who did that?

I love to be loved and enjoy a good snuggle. I really like making out, and since I’ve never had sex, there’s no pressure to take it that far…but I’m always open to it

This pretty much defines the beta male. I’d bet he’d be comfortable in a relationship where she never got you off, but he ate her out every time. I can’t believe I’m hearing this from a guy who supposedly has testicles. We, as men, have a responsibility to fight back against indoctrinating bullshit like Cosmopolitan magazine and Sex and the City, and here’s some douche bag sitting here towing the line. We don’t like to cuddle, we like to throw her on her back and put it inside her. And we can do that because we’re bigger and stronger. Sex is over when we say it is. Snuggling is a reward a man gives the girl for putting out and surviving a relentless pounding by his massive schlong. It’s not something he desires. Find your balls.

As the last paragraph should tell you, I’m a little bit of a pervert. I hope that’s what you like because that’s a part of me that’s hard to tone down.

Here’s a newsflash for you kid, “being “always open to it ” does not make you even remotely a pervert. If you had said something like, “I’m open to trying my massive collection of butt plugs on you and piercing your nipples with used hypodermic needles immediately after shitting on your chest” you might qualify as being a pervert. Admitting that you want to fuck is not perverted, but the fact that you use the word pervert means you’re insecure with your own sexuality and are ashamed of it. This means you will always act like a pussy in the bedroom. And again, using a word with a negative connotation on it like that turns something relatively benign (albeit out of place and stupid) into another character flaw. If you had used the word “frisky” instead, you’re just politely saying you’re horny and want to fuck. If you were an adult you’d be able to understand the difference between “frisky” and “perverted.”

And also, no man should ever have to tone down his sexuality unless he’s a rapist or a pedophile. On second thought…

Aside from all that, I’m a sensitive, empathetic person. I cry at funerals and most sappy movies. I’m not your stereotypical male, and am certainly no player. I’m too honest for my own good, which may be to your benefit, because, as I say, I speak my mind.

Here we go again. Crying at funerals is okay if it’s your immediate family, but first of all, you shouldn’t even want to be watching sappy movies let alone crying over them. Here we are back to the beta male bullshit. He’s been conditioned to think that women want sensitive men. THEY DON’T. They want men to behave like men and crying at movies is not manly. When he says that he’s “not your stereotypical male”, he’s completely wrong. He is exactly a stereotypical male; he’s trying to be the stereotypical male that he thinks women are attracted to. He doesn’t have the physique or the self confidence to be an attractive version of the stereotypical male he’s describing when he uses the word stereotypical which is the kind Maddox describes, so he falls back on the white washed “sensitive” beta male that women have been equally brainwashed into thinking they want. Most girls who have ever dated a guy like he’s trying to be cheated on him and then broke up with him to go out with the other kind, because they come to the conclusion that all women eventaully reach: they already have a pussy, they don’t need another one.

He’s certainly no player because he’s a fat couch potato beta male virgin. He’s too honest for his own good means he keeps saying stupid shit like, “yes, that particular makeup color does make you look ugly” and then the girls don’t call back.

The only last bit I have to add here is that if I message you first, I’d appreciate it if you message me back, even if it’s a rejection. The only thing worse than being rejected is being ignored entirely.

Everything about this profile is asking to be ignored. “The only thing worse than being rejected is being ignored entirely”, but the only thing worse than being ignored entirely is waking up every morning and still being you.

Lastly, this epic tragedy of an online profile closes with his idea of an extremely romantic and edgy first date:

All I really want is to meet a girl at the dutch market on a saturday for lunch. Get my usual — Lg. roast beef sub & 3 wedges & a dollar store soda — and then walk down wisteria and the lake, having a wonderful conversation all the while.

So basically, he wants to take you out to a place he goes often enough to have a usual. He of course does not fail to mention that it is, of course, a large roast beef sub. And the dollar store, because he wouldn’t want to spend too much of his hard earned DBA wages on you. Did I mention this is at the dutch market? Nothing screams sexy and romantic like an Amish farmer’s market. Maybe you can pet the pig before they roast it and even feed some chickens! You can enjoy wonderful conversations all the while, though.

He didn’t mention that he also wants to have dirty perverted monkey sex with you, since he’s “always open to it “

God damn. Taurus555, you are a train wreck. You might disagree with some or all of what I’m saying, but I’m dating the girl, and you aren’t. By the way, she’s really good in bed.