Living With Your Parents = Epic Fail
Think about social networking sites. How many of you are “friends” with people whose continuing life or sudden death would impact your life in no other way than to change the number of “friends” you have on FaceBook, MySpace, etc?
I am FaceBook “friends” with a number of people from highschool, some of whom were little better than acquaintances. I accept their friend request only because I am curious about what they’re up to – and that, mostly because I want to see how I’m measuring up to the rest of my graduating class. My online friends and I got the same education, almost all went to college, our families all have comparable levels of income, etc. So I figure it’s a pretty even bar from which to compare.
I am shocked at how many of my former friends still live in their parents’ basements. Shocked.
I have only one analysis of anyone who does not move out of their parents’ house at the earliest possible opportunity: epic fail.
By and large, these are people who majored in something ridiculous like English or Political Science or the 1990′s favorite “Communications” and as a result cannot get a job that pays enough even to finance a meager home of their own.
Some of them, though, have masters degrees in engineering. One of them even has the same degree that I do, from the same school as a coworker of mine who holds the same position in our company, except that he has a masters in it also. He still lives at home!
What a failure! His girlfriend lives in Manhattan, by the way. $10 says that doesn’t last.
There is no such thing as a good reason to live with your parents. I don’t care if you’re 18, 28, or 60. Here is the short list of reasons why this is a retarded pracitce for men:
- Total and abject emasculation. If a man lives with his parents, other men immediately fail to take him seriously in any way. If he can’t even function as an independent adult, he obviously has a large variety of other major problems and therefore, his opinions on any matter are instantly and unequivocally void and disqualified for any real consideration.
- Total and abject emasculation. If a man lives with his parents, it means that his parents still have authority over him (or, his parents are beta chumps who let him have the run of their house, which leads me to believe in like father, like son, which is equally damning).
- Stunted adult growth. There is no substitute for living in the real world without the safety net of always having a roof over your head. After living on your own to a living standard that would be considered acceptable for an adult man, the cloud of possibility that delinquency on your mortgage or rent payments will leave you literally living in your car, or worse. In most cases, we know that we could always stay with family in that event rather than sleep in a car, but after living on my own, I would sooner cut off my own balls with a dull spoon then come crawling back to my mommy and daddy to cover my ass after a total, abject, epic fail such as that.
- Guaranteed beta status. You can’t be an alpha male when you aren’t even king of your own castle. No matter how smooth and suave your are with the ladies, they, including your own girlfriend if you somehow manage to have one, will always cringe when they say, “yeah, he still lives with his parents.” It’s as embarassing for them as it should be for you, and it’s a major minus in the attractiveness column. If all you’re looking for is pumping and dumping you can get away with it, but LTRs? Forget it – especially if she has her own place.
- High likelihood of becoming “tolerant”. Men who live with their parents try to cover for their own epic failures by becoming accepting of others and adopting a pussified worldview of relatives and understanding. This allows these men to tout their own abject failures without categorizing them as failures. In order to maintain self consistency, it necessarily requires them to look at the failures of all those around them and forgive them as he hopes other men will forgive his. Sorry chump, it doesn’t work that way, and it just makes you look like an even bigger pussy.
- Your life becomes a parade of excuses. One after the other. I’ll get to them to those next, but first…
Here are the reasons you shouldn’t live with your parents as a girl:
- Men are not attracted to girls who live under their fathers’ roofs. Trying to date, or worse, pump-and-dump a girl who lives with her parents, especially her father, is like storming an impregnable fortress on your mighty steed, throwing the damsel wench over your shoulder like a conquering viking, and dragging her out over the drawbridge so you can have you way with her. The obstacles of dealing with a woman who lives at home are many. They include things like requiring parental approval from day 1, constantly interacting with them every time you are attempting to take their daugher somewhere so you can shag her relentlessly, never being able to fuck her at her place, never being able to get a quickie on the front porch, but most of all, regressing to highschool-style dating into your 20′s. Screw that.
Here is a list of the excuses that dipshits who live with their parents routinely make (and firmly believe). Sorry dipshits, we adults do not believe any of them.
- I’m saving money for my own place. Right. I already have my own place. I didn’t have to live with my parents to get one. Why do you? People are “saving money for their own place” sometimes into their 30′s. Here’s a newsflash for you: saving an extra $20,000 for a bigger down payment on a house that you can only live in 5 or 10 years down the road is not worth the 5 or 10 years of living with your parents in a basement. Time is your most precious commodity. It is better to live in a run-down, rat-infested $400/mo apartment and buy the house at 28 than it is to live in an upscale white suburb for 0$/mo and buy the house at 26. Living in your car is preferable. You know why? Because it proves you have a pair. Grow one and move out.
- It’s too expensive for someone my age where I live. Then move. That excuse is bullshit anyway. When I was fresh out of college I was able to live comfortably in one of the priciest real estate markets in the nation without breaking a sweat. There is always an affordable place. Ever hear of subsidized housing? If you have a college degree, unless you’re a total douchebag, you can easily get a job that will afford you basic housing. This excuse is so easy to tear down because it is not based in reality and easily refuted with 10 seconds worth of google fact searching.
- All my friends live around here. Make new friends. Find a place near your parents. Find a place 40 miles away and drive more.
- I want to be near my parents because I <3 them. Find a place near your parents. Find a place 40 miles away and drive more.
- I like being pampered as if I’m an irresponsible immature little child well into my adulthood. Okay, this is usually phrased, “My mom cooks and cleans for me, you can’t beat that kind of service!” Adult males interpret this phrase as, “I can’t take care of myself because I never grew up. I fail at life.”
- My parents want me to live with them. Usually uttered by girls. So what? You’re 22. Make your own decisions. Live your own life. I did what my parents wanted without question until the last tuition check cleared. Every request after that was accomodated because they still haven’t squandered all of my inheritance and one day I might want it. Just kidding, I like my parents and they are reasonable people. We get along.
- I’m just here until I find a job/place. That works for about 2 months. Beyond that, one begins to question why it is you still haven’t found said job or said place. Is it because you’re full of shit?
- I’m writing a novel. Give me a fucking break. Seriously? Are you seriously going to tell me that’s why you’re living with your parents? Because you’re trying to become a novelist? Pipe fucking dream. Get over it. You know how many people try to write novels and fail each year? Thousands, becuase it’s a bullshit do-nothing “career” that usually boils down to a cover for laziness or for not wanting to work for a telemarketing company because you majored in something dumb like English. In order to be a successful novelist you need to have some life experiences so your ideas can mean something, and you aren’t likely to get that playing Wii with your highschool friends in your mom’s basement at 24. The “writing a novel” excuse is such a stupid sham. For 99% of the people who say they do this, they end up never even writing the novel, much less getting it published, much less making a dime on it. They finally wake up 10 years later and realize, “shit, I wasted my time.” Too late, retard. Enjoy that telemarketing job and settling on fatties from eHarmony.
There is exactly one situation in which it is okay to live with your parents, and even this situation is highly undesirable, but understandable and perfectly excusable:
- Your elderly parents are disabled and/or terminally ill and can no longer take care of themselves. They took care of you; you should return the favor. Sucks, but that’s life.
The truth is that the people who still live with their parents into their 20′s and beyond are usually doing so because they have epicly failed in some manner. The standard epic fail is lack of gainful employment coupled by standards that preclude the failure’s willingness to live in sub-upper-middle-class environs. This lack of gainful employment can be attributed to a variety of personality defects, the most common is laziness. The second most common was the choice to major in something fucking stupid and then be unabe to get a job that is glamorous enough for you.
The bottom line is that if you live with your parents post-graduation, you are an epic failure.
I can picture the stock responses from basement dwelling alsorans along these lines: “you’re close minded” or “you are stereotyping” or “you don’t know my situation” or any number of dumb excuses that don’t address a single one of these points because these points are unadressable. Their truth is known to everyone including you but admitting it to yourself or *gasp* openly would knock you one rung even lower than you already are for living with your parents in your 20′s, and that should inspire suicide in any man with testicles. Aynway, enjoy your vapid existence, troglodyte.