You’re not a Yankees Fan, STFU

Being from New Jersey originally a lot of my old friends are sports team orphans and naturally gravitate toward New York’s teat for all team loyalty nutriments.

Unfortunately the Yankees keep winning pennants.  This means that every time they’re in the series, all of these so-called closet baseball fans come out barking for the Yankees as if they give a shit.

They don’t.

Not only do these people not talk about a single baseball game prior to the series, they could’t name a single player on the Yankees roster.  I’m fairly certain that in addition to not watching or caring about baseball at any other period of the year, a lot of these people do not understand the rules of baseball.  One time while we were still in high school, a girl who I knew didn’t give a crap about sports, much less about baseball, came to school with a Yankees emblem painted on her cheek.  I asked her what RBI stood for and she didn’t know.  This same girl currently has “LETS GO YANKEES!!!111″ littering every electronic broadcast tool about herself she has available, such as Facebook, MySpace, and Twitter.

What is it about the Yankees and the World Series that inspires people to pretend to give a crap?  Baseball as an industry relies entirely on this irrational hype.  People don’t go to baseball games to watch baseball, they do it to sit around in jerseys on uncomfortable benches with masses of annoying people who are all pretending to be more invested in a game they could not care less about than everyone else around them in a vain attempt to feel like authentic baseball fans, as if the stadium experience is diminished if you go there as exactly the kind of person I’m describing here.  The 8th circle of hell is reserved for disingenous baseball fans, or so we’d all have each other believe.

No, it’s about spending $8 for a crappy light beer and $12 for a hot dog and having pictures of yourself enjoying “America’s Past Time” on your Facebook wall.

But if you’re not attending any series games – which you aren’t – why must you insist on pretending that you have a team affiliation?  Philadelphia is geographically closer to where we grew up than New York.  Why are you rooting for New York?  Because they win games with their wallet and you too want to be a winner?  If by declaring your team loyalty in a public forum, you are somehow entitled to some small credit for their achievement?  Please.

My best friend from high school doesn’t give a crap about baseball and yet even she too has fallen victim to this go Yankees crap.

Seriously people, STFU.  If you can’t tell me what the Yankees’ season record is, plus or minus even a liberally wide margin of 10%, without looking it up on the internet, you’re not a Yankees fan, so please do the internet a favor and shut the hell up.  I’m tired of blocking you from my live feed.

Also, screw baseball.  What a boring, stupid sport.  I’d rather watch cats eat their own shit than watch a baseball game.