The Lies they Tell

Dear Feminsting,

I’m supposed to drink your “sex positive” Koolaid but instead I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a dirty slut and I should be ashamed.  I’m being shunned in my community despite the fact that I’m an independent sex-expressive grrl feminist.  HALP!

Dear Sexually Active in Vermont,

Slut. What a word. It simultaneously describes and dominates, classifies and corrodes its subject. Its most basic use is to describe someone who is sexually promiscuous, but it has come to entail so much more these days–worthlessness, dirtiness, even the very state of being a woman.

In a world without unwanted pregnancy or diseases, sluts would be celebrated.  In a world with unwanted pregnancy and (fatal) diseases, dipping one’s stick in a slut is like drinking the water in a 3rd world country.  You might be fine or you might develop flesh-eating parasites.  It’s a dice roll.

The word “slut” does not entail the very state of being a woman.  It entails the very state of being a woman who spreads her legs for many partners with questionable discretion.

Who is it used by? It’s used by men to justify their insecurity about the power they see in women’s sexuality.

Really.  How fascinating.  Lori, the author of this drivel, apparently believes that she understands the big secret in play when a man such as myself calls a woman such as self-proclaimed harlot “Sexually Active in Vermont” a slut.  So, Lori, am I, a fellow armchair psyhcologist, also at liberty to pontificate about your insecurities?  Should I indulge you with a campfire story about the comforting lies women tell themselves and each other about their own sexuality?

No, thank you; I’m content to simply refute this wildly absurd claim.  This is just one man speaking here, but I am not insecure in the infintesimal about the power of a woman’s sexuality.  In fact I think the very concept of the “power” of a woman’s sexuality to be a laughing stock.  This, from a woman who, when she isn’t writing pro-slut advice columns is probably hopping from one liberal arts college to the next attending rallies and giving talks about ending violence against women.

Women’s sexuality has power only equal to what men give it.  The fact that we as a civilized society have decided to artificially place pussy on a pedestal and refrain from raping it at our leisure is a testament to our restraint, a restraint that based on what I’ve seem from feminists would not be extended were our positions reversed – just look at divorce courts.  In the one arena where women can rape a man, they do – again, and again, and again to excess.

The only thing your pro-sex advice does is give we men unfettered access to your sisters’ pussies then leave them to write sob story advice requests to douchers such as yourself, Lori, begging for an answer as to why after taking your first dose of advice they find themselves in a worse state, psychologically and socially, then they would be had they kept their legs closed like good society advocates.

It’s used by women to establish their own superiority over other women.

And rightfully so.  A non-slut’s value to a man is unilaterally higher than a slut’s.  How fascinating that women’s judgments of each other merely reflect the value we men place upon them.  Yet again, men make all the rules.  How does that make you feel, Lori?

It’s used by rich people to hold onto and exercise their privilege.

This is totally irrelevant and doesn’t make any sense.  You’re mixing up your vitcimologies here, Lori.  Wealth and sexual promiscuity have absolutely no useful correlation in this discussion. 

It’s used by poor people to grasp at having value in a society that often makes them feel invisible.

Because a poor virgin from Thailand has more societal value (thanks to male perception) than a hyper-educated SWPL grad student who works at a DC non-profit and speaks about liberal agendas at college campuses and they know it.  She might not have an M.S. but she’s not a slut.  She’s more marriageable than you are.

By the way, the implication that sluttiness would have anything to do with wealth at all is just an indication that you are exactly the kind of stupid twat that perpetuates class warfare by drawing attention to it.  The fact that it would even cross your mind that societal value for poor people can only be attained by abstaining from an activity that you consider the luxury of the privileged is a reflection your true thinking, Lori.  Sleep tight tonight.

In other words, it’s used by people with an agenda. A self-serving agenda.

You don’t say.  An agenda such as, for example, the assembly of an overwrought intellecual ethos constructed to justify the innate desire of you, and women like you, to behave like sluts?

You know, that thing they’re accusing you of having by being such a slutty slut?

The only agenda that a slut is executing, to my knowledge, is to get banged.  Could you possibly be overthinking this?

In the real world, the “dirtiest”, “easiest” thing anyone can do is degrade another person by feeding into the social and cultural oppression that already exists against them.

Incorrect.  Social and cultural “oppression” of behaviors like promiscuity is a civlization survival mechanism to prevent the spread of veneral disease and bastard children.  As painful as it is to be rebuked as the town whore, an untreatable syphilis infection or a child she can’t feed will be significantly more painful.  Simply because we have techniques to reduce the risk of either negative outcome that results in promiscuity doesn’t mean we’ve eliminated them, nor will it knock down what is potentially thousands of years of ingrained instinctual aversion to slutty behavior in females.

So their intentions aren’t exactly “pure”, but…are they right? Let me set the record straight, right here, right now, for good: People who call other people “sluts” are always, inherently, insufferably wrong.  No matter the sexual history of the person they are addressing.

Says who?  You?  Who the hell are you, Lori?  You’re nobody more than anyone else who can find a keyboard and an internet connection and post some crap on a blog.

A girl who bangs a lot of guys is a slut.  That’s what the word means.  How can you be so dumb, Lori?

 Because people who buy into the concept of a slut- that someone who has more sex is worse than someone who has less sex- are fundamentally, logically, morally, spiritually erroneous.  

I disagree.  I value a girl who has fewer sexual partners significantly higher than a girl who has many sexual partners, and I’m allowed to make my own value determination because I’m a free thinking member of society and you are bound by your commitment to celebrating diversity to respect my opinion and not judge me.  You don’t get to tell me who I should value or why.

Having sex doesn’t make you a bad person. Having sex doesn’t make you a bad person. Having sex doesn’t make you a bad person. (Yes, I’m going for a Good Will Hunting moment here!) Having sex doesn’t make you anything other than a person who has sex. The end. I promise!

Having sex with a reasonable number of partners in the context of socially acceptable relationships makes you nothing more than a person who has sex.  Having sex with a lot of people makes you a slut.  That’s what the word means.  How can you be so dumb, Lori?

In reality, purity is a myth. You are not weaker, or stupider, or less important, for each time you choose to have sex with someone.

Possibly not, but you are more likely to have an STD.  That’s how something called math – specifically, probability – works.  You probably didn’t do so well in objective courses like math and science in school, did you, Lori?

That’s not to say there aren’t universal social truths about good and bad behavior that you should be accountable to- there are.

Oh really?

But these “positives” and “negatives” don’t correspond with numbers of sexual partners- that would be ridiculous and meaningless.

To you, perhaps.  Lori, let me explain something to you: acknowledging the fact that there are universal social truths about good and bad behavior isn’t enough to grant you the authority to decide what those are.

Did it ever occur to you that since virtually every human society on the planet earth places a high value on female sexual purity, they might be on to something?  Do you suppose that a statement about what is and isn’t “good” that holds true for the vast majority of human culture might be considered “universal”?  Do you need a vocabulary lesson, Lori?

They revolve around things like kindness, intelligence, compassion, and wellness.

And sexual purity.  That way, a man can bang you without catching a disease or discovering that you have a brood of bastard children that you’ll no doubt look to him to feed in exchange for access to your well-heeled black hole vagina.

These things matter inside and outside the bedroom. Having sex does not define who you are or what you do in any arena other than your sex life! There is no simple dichotomy where more sex equals bad and less sex equals good. There is only you. Your state of mind, your experiences, your health and well being, your contribution to this world. It is a more complicated, more nuanced, more evolved system of valuing people. Which should tell you right there it is probably right.

And sunshines and rainbows and flowers, too!  Lori, you are presenting a dangerous and fictitious view to this person, a view in which we are all free to invent our own criteria for which we feel we ought to be judged as good or bad and, despite having no good reason to believe that it would be the case, expecting the rest of the world to not only know these arbitrary, personal criteria but to respect them.

In shorter English, Lori: I don’t give a damn whether or not you believe that your own purity has no bearing on your social value.  I do believe in the social value of purity in females and since I will be the one to judge you, only my views matter.

You need to convince me that sexual purity is a bogus metric, not simply repeat it like a mantra again and again, which is what you’re doing here.  I’ve given two basic reasons why it’s valuable to me as a man.  Your total lack of understanding of what it is like to be a man is probably the reason why you didn’t even broach either of those subjects in your defense of promiscuity.  It frightens me that genital diseases and bastard children aren’t even on your radar when it comes to sex.  Maybe this is why you’re so vehemently pro-choice – you don’t consider these things until after they’ve happened.  How can you be so dumb, Lori?

But that voice. That voice inside and outside your head is saying “I know what you’re saying is right, but deep down inside I don’t believe you. Why would the whole world keep telling me I’m worth less because of my sexual history if it weren’t even a little bit true?

Because the whole world might be on to something, you stupid bitch.  It’s pretty damn rare that the entire planet says one thing and yet a very small dissenting enclave who says the other turns out to be right.

That is a good question. Why do people call other people sluts? In my experience, I have found that it is because they are scared.

Keep telling yourself that, Lori.  It isn’t true, but it doesn’t have to be: as long as you believe it, right?

They are scared that they won’t be able to find a partner that they love who will love them back, and they would like to be able to have someone else to shoulder that terrifying responsibility.

When I call a slut a slut, it has nothing to do with whether or not I’m afraid I’ll find a partner – particularly when you consider that I already have: I’m married.

They are scared of their own sexual desires, and what those desires say about their true selves.

Judging on intent (or desire) is ridiculous.  Everybody has intentions and desires that are counterproductive to a healthy society.  Well-adapted, healthy, valuable people are able to curb desires that are ultimately negative and unhealthy both for themselves and for society.  In this context, the girls who are incapable of curbing their desire to screw like rabbits have a name, and that name is slut.  How can you be so dumb, Lori?

They are scared of living a life based on a value system that will be proven by time to be false, cruel, and unjust, so they work even harder and more ferociously to justify and reinforce it, to prove to themselves that they, their parents, their grandparents, are on the right side of history (they are not).

Again, according to who?  You know, Lori, if you’re so good at predicting the future, why aren’t you a stock mogul?  Does your crystal ball only extend to predicting cultural evolution – which, by the way, from a systems analysis perspective, is infinitely more complex than finance markets.

Since all of humanity throughout time has valued modesty over promiscuity, I suppose it only makes sense that all of humanity throughout time must have been wrong.

There was a time and place once where people agreed with you Lori, and it was called Rome.  We all saw how well that ended.

They are scared of women who are free, because it reminds them of the ways that they themselves are not. And of course, they are scared of their own mortality, and so they grasp at anything that could guarantee them immunity, moral superiority, or holy benevolence in the face of the ultimate terror- death.

All people are free to behave like sluts; we choose not to.  I guess you could say we’re pro-choice.  You are right, however, that I am scared of mortality.  I’d prefer not to die a premature death at the hands of AIDS only to indulge in hedonistic sexual pleasures or have to deal with festering cold sores on my balls periodically.  Or raise a baby I don’t want.  Since I believe in owning up to my mistakes, I’d raise it, not kill it.

This fear drives them to great extremes. Fear is powerful, and many people’s lives are completely dominated by it. Women, in particular, are an easy target for people who are very scared, because there are already social checks in place to make women less threatening, less powerful, less scary.

Social aspects?  Don’t you mean biological ones?  Here’s a term for you: sexual dimorphism.  Go look it up.  Girls are less threatening, less powerful, and less “scary” because men are bigger, stronger, and faster.  And smarter.

 So they latch onto this, and contribute to it, and perpetuate it. They actively degrade women. They take satisfaction from putting them in their place, and from taking away their power. They remind them over and over that their bodies, their sexuality, their autonomy, their choices, and their power, are not their own. They exert control- over their own lives, and over the behavior of others, as well as they know how- by perpetuating fear and pain.

I am always infinitely perplexed why it is that women can make arguments like this with a straight face.  If women were really all they were cracked up to be then how did this male-female power imbalance develop to begin with?  Why isn’t it we men who bitch on our blogs that women are oppressing us and controlling our sexuality and perpetuating an environment of fear and control?

Gender evolution did not happen by chance, darling.  I apologize if you wish you were a man and did not have to deal with the biological oppression of your vagina, but there’s not much any of us could have done about that.  Well, except in places like China where they just kill all their girl babies to spare them your hardships.

I have been called a slut many times in my life…

… which is why you write in defense of slutdom.  Rather than change your socially maladaptive behaviors, you just seek to reform society to excuse your behaviors so that you don’t have to do anything differently.  What a shallow, selfish, stupid thing to do.

Ok, you are saying, even if I am convinced of this myself, it still hurts to operate in a world in which not everyone is on the same page as this. Being viewed as a slut by others still hurts, and still has real negative ramifications for me in this world. How can one find comfort, truth, and transcendence in such an unjust system?

Don’t be a slut.

Love yourself [even when nobody else does], love others [with or without condoms - your body, your choice!], find feminism [the opiate of the masses]. In that order!

Thank you for writing.

Lori

How can you be so dumb, Lori?

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