Archive for the ‘hilarity’ Category
Tim Weaver not only quit his blog but he deleted it entirely.
This saddens me as I now have less to write about.
I’m sure in Tim’s mind he might imagine that I would feel some victory, as if I should be happy that another liberal is no longer liberalizing on the internet, or that I may even feel as though I had some hand in its demise. That I feel proud that I have outlasted him, in a sense.
None of those things are true.
This is not, however, the first time I have seen this happen.
My cousin the socialist serially posts inane comments and links on her Facebook feed about various nonsensical liberal/socialist/pinko ideologies. One of her favorite talking points is about Israel, an issue I’m particularly close to since I work for a 55 year-old Uzbeki Jew who was born under the Iron Curtain, fled the communist regime to Israel in which he lived during the prime of Yassir Arafat’s influence, and then emigrated to the US about a decade ago. Having actually lived in all three environments, he unequivocally advocates the United States. Did I mention that he’s a Republican?
We go through a few bottles of scotch a year after work and he tells me stories about life in Uzbekistan, life in Israel, etc. When I hear someone who I am also close to, namely my cousin (who has the personality of a pet rock), write pro-Palestine nonsense on her Facebook wall, I’m not just annoyed, I’m actively angered. She has no idea what she’s talking about.
Of course, one could easily argue that neither do I; she reads pro-Palestine crap on the internet, i.e., a second-hand source, and I hear about how last month my boss’s brother, who still lives in Israel, watched a Hamas rocket blow part of the roof off his next door neighbor’s house, another second-hand source. If she doesn’t know what she’s talking about then I suppose I don’t either because we simply see different sides of the coin.
However her pro-Palestine stance is only one of a myriad of ridiculous world views that she announces via social networking. A while back, I started countering her arguments in comments on her Facebook wall.
After about a month, she responded to one of my comments along the lines of, “we need to stop doing this. We clearly don’t see eye to eye and this is not productive.” Translation: “stop writing comments in contradiction to the agenda I’m propogating on my Facebook wall as it is diluting the message.”
I countered by stating that it was productive. Well, could have been. I explained that I like to see what “the other side” says and thinks, because as I have said a number of times before, if you don’t ever bother to test your own theories by seriously considering the other side’s worldview, you can’t ever rest assured knowing that your’e right. You’ll also be completely inept at explaining how or why you believe the things you believe and you’ll end up coming off like a propagandist, which is exactly how my cousin comes across, especially when she requests that the debate be closed.
If you know you’re right, why do you want to close the debate? You are either a) incapable of proving the truth, b) don’t care enough to bother, c) presume that your audience will never listen to you no matter what you say, or d) at some level aware that your head is up your own ass but admitting it now would only make you look like more of an ass, especially in front of a peer group like on Facebook.
There’s an e), and that is unwilling to argue because it will only lead to open animosity between people who are bound by a higher calling to get along even when they have wildly disparate world views, such as between cousins. It was because of this that I acquiesced and granted her wish. Also, I already said all that I had to say. When it got to the point that she was tired of trying to counter me (or embarrassed because she couldn’t), it means it had gone far enough. She had to end the discussion, e.g., concede. Maybe she just figured I wouldn’t listen.
I have been guilty of advocating the futility of arguing with liberals. In fact I am guilty every time I post to a blog called An Excercise in Futility. But usually when I find that a particular argument is not working and I’m not getting through, rather than give up I just try a different line of reasoning. I know I’m right. I just need to expose the truth in a light that can be seen by those in the darkness of delusion.
I have also been guilty of declaring that I won’t talk about politics anymore, but I lied. It’s like trying to boycott bowel movements.
I haven’t given up either, because in both cases, even if I fail to change a single mind on any of the topics that I write about, it wasn’t for lack of trying. Or caring. Or a subconscious knowledge that I am preaching false prophecy on the internet. (I’m not).
I suspect Tim will create , or has already created, another liberal blog under a pseudonym. This time, like a true liberal, he’ll probably be more careful about where he comments so that he doesn’t run the risk of inviting a dialogue between people who disagree with him. After all, for a liberal, there’s nothing worse than open conversation about their ideas with a conservative who doesn’t agree. I find nine times out of ten the conversation ends with “let’s agree to disagree”, uttered by them.
No, let’s not agree to disagree. For the record, simply because Tim’s blog is no longer on the internet, I still disagree with almost everything he said on it. You can’t win an argument by withdrawing from it. Let that be a lesson to us all.
Rest in peace, Not So Subtle. You will be missed.
P.S.: thanks to Tim deleting his blog, all of the links to his works of inanity in my own prior entries will no longer function. Next time I’ll be sure to quote inline.
I’m just going to come out and say it. The only reason people live in California is because it has beautiful weather. That is what makes California what it is. If you somehow airlifted California and dropped it on top of Saskatchewan, leaving everything else intact, people would flee the state en masse because it’s a crappy state to live in.
I have always been skeptical about people who move to a place because of its weather. The reason is simple.
Suppose you’re an archaic homo sapiens, say, circa 900,000 years ago. Your middle eastern stomping grounds are getting kind of crowded and you’re an ambitious young buck who wants to be the chief of your own tribe. Why not? The chief always gets the hottest tail.
East? Nah. Persian gulf. West? Nah. Mediterranean Sea. South? Nah. People live there. North? Sure! That sounds good.
Except the farther north you go, the farther into Europe you go. And guess what? It’s freaking cold in Europe, and cave bears who literally stand 12 feet tall live in all of the caves. If you’re a half-wit, you’re going to either freeze to death or get eaten by a cave bear. It’s harder to live in cold places. I argue that if the entire world had the climate of California, we would still be living in caves because there would never be any incentive to progress any further. You aren’t going to freeze to death and there’s food growing on trees year-round because it’s sunny, warm, and 75 degrees for 350 out of 365 days per year. Nothing inspires creativity and ingenuity like otherwise inevitable starvation and hypothermia.
You’ll note, mind you, that most of the people who start enormous businesses that everybody has boners for like fucking Google were started by people who emigrated to the state from somewhere else because they were sick of winter.
I’m not going to deliver a littany of all of California’s problems; you know what they are. I will instead share with you a brief anecdote: my college buddy who hails from Capetown, South Africa moved out to California with a girl who grew up about 10 minutes from where I currently work on the east coast (although her family came from Boston). They love the weather. They live near fucking Google’s offices. But she is now pregnant and they are seriously talking about moving back to the east coast. Obviously, part of it is so that she can be close to her mother. But the biggest part is the fact that they have no chance in hell of buying real estate in California. Combined, they probably make about the same or slightly more than my wife and I do. But we own a house and they own shit. They complain about the taxes and they don’t want their children going to school with classes half full of illegals who don’t speak English. She is a raging liberal, by the way, and they both voted for Obama.
Despite the reality of California, Time recently posted this bullshit. To quote:
Its voters approved huge bonds for stem-cell research, high-speed rail and repairs to aging infrastructure while Washington was dragging its feet; its politicians adopted first-in-the-nation greenhouse-gas regulations, green building codes and efficiency standards for automobiles and appliances that have rearranged the national energy debate. Yes, it was also an early adopter of subprime mortgages — Countrywide, Golden West and IndyMac were all California-based — but life on the frontier has always been risky.
This paragraph is trying to make it sound like California is cutting-edge and that these supposed pros are actually a good thing. Stem-cell research? How is that good? Greenhouse-gas regulations? When your children are laughing at you for being so fucking retarded that you actually believed in global warming, remember that you read this blog and if only you had listened to me you wouldn’t have elected some assclown who raised your energy bills by 25% so you could pay for an imaginary solution to an imaginary problem.
And of course, the coup de grace of this piece: yes, our companies fucked the entire nation with subprime mortgages, but “life on the frontier has always been risky.”
What the fuck. What frontier? The pacific ocean? Give me a break. So when California adopts bullshit expensive legislation that does nothing but bankrupt them they’re leading us with steady, sage-like wisdom and carrying the torch for the nation’s progress, but when its companies play a huge part in throwing the entire world into a recession, we’re supposed to chalk it up to the romantic notion of the wild wild west? You’ve got to be kididng me.
Normally I wouldn’t give a shit because blaming a U.S. state for problems caused by companies that are headquartered there is fucking stupid, but the author of this propoganda turd does so fully in trying to establish how great California is because fucking Google has its offices there and Steve Jobbs invented the iPhone in San Francisco. It works both ways, jack ass.
The 1855 book The Land of Gold dismissed it as “lawless, penniless and powerless.”
The author of The Land of Gold – yes, we underline book titles – was a prophet. See? Some ideas stay relevant for a very long time and don’t require “progress” to correct. Another example of this would be the United States Constitution. Lawless? If immigration is the standard, then check. Penniless? Who would deny that? Powerless? Debatable. But money talks and bullshit walks, so no matter how sunny it is in the Sunshine State, if California’s coffers are empty and its checks bounce, then no one will care what “California” thinks.
TIME published a woe-is-California issue called “The Endangered Dream” in 1991 after the aerospace industry collapsed.
But of course. TIME was wrong then, but now it’s right.
But even with 12% unemployment, California still has an enviably young and productive workforce.
It’s amazing what happens when millions of Latinos flee the stinking shit holes they were unlucky enough to find themselves born into and grab on to the sides of trucks heading north to wind up in a slightly less stinking shit hole where they can collect free services and become parents of American citizens and therefore virtuall undeportable simply by having unprotected sex.
There’s only so many lawns that need to be cut and so much trash that needs to be picked up. That young productive workforce is unskilled labor that quite frankly we can do without. The only reason California gets away with it is because these people are illegal and they get paid under the table. If California’s young, productive workforce were legal and then tried to compete with China’s young, productive, and massively cheaper workforce on unskilled labor such as manufacturing, they’d get their asses kicked.
When it comes to energy, California is not just ahead of the game; it’s playing a different game. Its carbon emissions per capita are less than half the U.S. average. And from 2006 to ’08, it attracted $3 of every $5 invested in U.S. clean tech — five times as much as the No. 2 state. It’s by far the national leader in green jobs, green patents, supply from renewables and savings from efficiency. It’s also leading the way toward electric cars, zero-emission homes, advanced biofuels and a smarter grid: its electric utilities plan to install smart meters in every California home.
Bwahahaha. Total waste of time and money. This just makes an already expensive place even more expensive. And you wonder why California is bankrupt? Not, of course, that there is a direct correlation between its budget woes and it’s green industry – I’m sure there isn’t – but this kind of senseless and stupid government regulation is merely a symptom of a deeper problem – a legislation prone to believe in stupid things and voters prone to elect stupid people who also believe in stupid things themselves.
This public-sector foresight has created alluring opportunities for the most tech-savvy private sector on earth. The venture capitalists behind the high-tech and biotech booms see clean tech as the next big score.
This is called milking a fad for all it’s worth. Liberals hate the rich. This is what the rich do. They play on the public’s mass stupidity, make a fortune selling them stupid shit they don’t need, and then laugh all the way to the bank in their 16 cylinder 8mpg hogs with supermodels bobbing on their dicks.
But the state’s business culture fetishizes long-shot ventures and game-changing ideas. Failure is appreciated, not stigmatized, and an entrepreneur without a few busted start-ups on his résumé is almost suspect.
Where do I sign up?
I need to stop. TIME magazine will probably sue me if I keep quoting their bullshit story about bullshit California.
On Sunday, September 13 2009 I married one of my blog lurkers. Her vitriolic disgust with liberals (and in fact, most things) rivals my own. We’re so much fun at parties.
I won’t bore you with details. I won’t say in which county we got married, only that it borders a major metropolitan area in the American northeast.
Marriage is a big deal. You may remember a time when gay marriage was a mainstream debate in America, when the liberals had nothing better to complain about. I blogged about it several times. If you believed the hype at the time, you might have gathered that the fate of democracy in the western world hinged upon whether or not two men could be legally married.
Marriage has serious legal consequences. By marrying my wife, I am entrusting her with my entire future, indeed my very freedom. As the legal sysetm today works, all my wife would need is the whim to divorce me and she will be awarded more than half of my possessions and turn me into a wage slave to her alimony and possibly child support payments for the better part of my life. She will not be required to submit any resasons to divorce me. She will not be required to provide any justification for why she deserves most of our material wealth. She will not be required to provide any justification for why I should give her part of my earnings for an extended period of time. If I refuse to provide her with money, I will be put into prison without being formally charged with a crime (which means I will be unable to appeal). I will only be released when I give her the money, even if I swear it doesn’t (or ever) existed. I will be treated as guilty until proven innocent, in other words, the complete opposite of good faith American common law.
You might wonder why I would ever want to get married when all of the above is true. Maybe I like living on the edge?
No. Fortunately, the martyrdom of a few brave heroes has made my future wife aware of what good it will do her. I have made it clear to her that if she ever attempts that crap, I will destroy any assets that we have, shoot a gigantic dose of heroin into my veins, and then burn the house down with me in it. I am serious. She knows it.
Or, also, I trust my wife to not pull a stunt like that. I wouldn’t have married her if I thought it were in her character. I am literally betting my life on it.
Let’s compare the risks I take with marriage to the risks I took when I bought a home. If I fail to pay the mortgage, I foreclose on the house, I have to move out, I might have a harder time borrowing money from banks in the future because my credit is ruined, and in the worst case scenario, I have to file for bankruptcy and essentially start on the bottom rung of the wealth ladder again.
When I bought my house, I had to sign dozens and dozens of documents in front of a lawyer, who was required to receive a professional doctorate degree at an accredited university.
When I got married, I had to acquire a piece of paper from a county clerk’s office called a marriage license. By me, I mean my wife. I did not have to show any form of identification of any kind. In fact, I wasn’t even required to be present. All she had to do was say, “my name is” and “the groom’s name is” and that was it, no questions asked. Once acquired, the only thing left to make it legal was the signature of a guy with an empty criminal record and $35 to send away for a Justice of the Peace correspondence course.
At no time during this process was I required to sign anything. No witnesses either. Just a single signature from Father Joe.
Look, I’m all for marriage or I wouldn’t have done it. But the fact is that the consequences of wedding are astronomically greater than the consequences of doing virtually anything else except committing a crime with a mandatory jail sentence and yet not only was I not compelled to seek legal counsel before entering into a marriage contract, I didn’t even have to provide any identification of any kind or sign a single document.
I’m simply baffled at how, from a legal perspective, how lightly we allow our citizens to enter into marriage when everybody should know by now how painfully difficult it is to leave, particularly for men.
This reminds me of a story my dad told me. I wish I could find a link for you, but it goes like this: man bangs slut. Slut gets pregnant. Man is not aware of this. Slut puts man’s name on birth certificate unbeknownst to man. Man receives court summons and judge decides man is father because his name is on birth certificate. Judge orders child support payment. Man demands proof that baby is his. Court refuses to compel mother to provide DNA sample to prove this claim. Man pays child support for several years. Man finally appeals court and compels slut to provide DNA samples. Slut brings child to court so samples can be obtained. Child does not belong to man. In fact, child does not belong to slut. Slut was never pregnant. Slut abducted other woman’s child for court appearance. Court never actually asked to see birth certificate, which was lucky for slut because it doesn’t exist. Man payed thousands of dollars in child support for a baby that never existed. Man was never reimbursed for money. Man was not allowed to sue slut. Slut received 30 days of psychiatric evaluation, was considered sane, but nonetheless was not charged with fraud or abduction.
In response to stories like this Tennessee has recently required that a DNA test must be done before a father’s name is allowed to be put on a birth certificate to avoid cases like this.
I trust Father Joe, and I trust most JP’s. But seriously? The laissez-faire treatment of the most importand contract you’ll ever enter into with the most serious consequences blows my mind.
What a crock.
Apparently after their iconic defeat in California the gays are stepping up their “in your face” efforts by staging a “call out” – in other words, suggesting all homosexuals in the United States inform their bosses they won’t be coming in to work for a single day to prove a point. The point being that gays are important to the economy.
This idea might garnish more respect if it weren’t directly plagiarised from the latino immigrant community a few years ago.
This idea might garnish more respect if it didn’t completely miss the fucking point of the latino immigrant demonstration.
First, gays are not going to go away, regardless of whether or not we let them marry each other. The entire point of latino immigrant demonstration was, “you need our contribution to the economy, don’t deport us.” That was the issue. Their goal was not to remind their employers that they are latino. Their goal was to remind their employers that we shouldn’t boot them out of the country.
Second, the illegal immigrants would be forced to leave the country. The corrolary for the gay community, if we were to return to the pre-gay-liberation era when gays stayed in the closet, is exactly that – they would be forced to stay in the closet. That has nothing to do with whether or not they show up to work every day, now does it? The latinos would show up to work if they could – they were fighting for their continued right to choose to show up to work. Gays are legal citizens regardless of who they screw, so as you can see, there is no relationship at all.
Third, speaking of closets, many gay people are closeted or follow the don’t ask don’t tell policy at their places of employment as a matter of convenience. Homophobia still exists in this country. If I were gay, I’d stay closted simply so I didn’t have to deal with base judgments by everyone I ever meet. This fact puts a damper on the “gay call out”. Latinos can’t hide the fact that they’re latino, and they can’t hide the fact that they are illegal immigrants (to their employers).
Lastly, this is actually a step backward for the gay movement. Since most thinking people can conclude the three facts that I just pointed out on their own, they, like me, have to wonder: why can’t you come to work, exactly? If being gay makes you more likely to arbitrarily skip a day of work to shove your victim mentality down my throat, why should I want to hire you at all? This kind of behavior makes employers more likely to discriminate against gays because heterosexuals don’t stage protests that involve calling in sick.
I’m glad the majority of gays in this country came to the same conclusions that I did and chose not to participate. Even if they can’t marry, at least they can think.
When I was in highschool, I knew several girls who purported to be bisexual. They went as far as talking about it, watching girl/girl porn, french kissed each other, and even once in a while got in on some mouth-to-nipple action. But that’s as far as it ever went. Although many heterosexuals don’t consider oral sex to be “sex” when it comes to things like virginity, with two girls there really isn’t much else if you aren’t old enough to buy sex toys (internet shopping + parents willing to give credit cards and not look at bills were not as prevalent in those days). So as far as I know, these girls never actually had sex with each other. They never went down on each other, so I always took the claim with a grain of salt.
Ten years later, every single one of them is in a committed heterosexual relationship and not a single one of them has ever admitted to actually hooking up with another girl. And these are the kind of girls who would have told me if they had. They couldn’t shut up about it when they were in high school; if they had ever sealed the deal, would they keep silent?
These days, with the Facebooks and online dating sites, it appears to be trendy for girls, most of whom are in relationships with men, to list themselves as “bisexual” or interested in both men and women.
My fiancee told me stories of girls she knew in college who claimed to be bisexual, and by her reckoning it was entirely to rouse the interests of some nerd who bargained her enormous ass on the possibility of a 3 way with a human-sized girl. Said 3-way has never, and in all likelihood will never happen.
When I was in college I knew a girl who told me that during her university orientation, two girls from different states who were not likely to see each other ever again despite enrolling in the same (large) university decided to put on a show for all the other kids at orientation and 69 on the lounge floor.
Her reaction was: what whores.
My reaction is: what whores.
Don’t get me wrong, I like girl on girl as much as the next heterosexual man, but the preponderence of fake bisexual girls is disheartening.
What it amounts to is fraud. If a heterosexual male is lured to display an inordinately high level of interest in a self-purported “bisexual” female where he otherwise wouldn’t were she a plain vanilla heterosexual girl, any future those two would ever have is based on a giant lie. She’s basically selling him a lemon – herself – when she never actually acts in any way consistent with the bisexuality the man was initially attracted to.
If a heterosexual girl labels herself bisexual to get male attention, she is deceiving him from the start and it means she is likely to deceive him in any number of ways (e.g., “it’s your baby, honey, I promise!”). Note to male readers: don’t date these girls.
Some of the fake bisexual girls I knew in high school, I believe, genuinely do have some bisexual leanings – chiefly in the realm of vivid, orgasm-guaranteeing orgasms – but that doesn’t count. Every human being is capable of having sexual fantasies that fall well outside the realm of something that they would ever actually do if given the chance in real life, much less actively pursue said fantasy. Fantasies about girls once in a while does not a bisexual make.
If I were ever to begin a relationship with a girl who claimed to be bisexual, I would demand that she put up or shut up within 1 month of the beginning of our relationship. I would demand that she provide me a photoshop-proof photograph of her going down on another girl, or admit that she’s full of shit about being bisexual and never to mention it ever again. For some guys, failure to provide said proof would be a deal breaker, but fortunately I never treated a girl’s purported bisexuality as an added draw in the first place. I suspected they were lying through their teeth then, and a decade or so later, I know it definitively.
Remember, men. 90% of the girls who say they are bisexual – especially on the internet – are lying to get your attention. Don’t fall for it.
“I think that we Prius owners need a dating/whatever program, to hook us up with other Prius owners,” says one poster on Priuschat.com.
He admits it’s half a joke, but says it “stems from my inability to look at people with gas-burning cars as attractive.”
What do you think your hybrid runs on, asshole? Sunshine and farts? Just because your hybrid burns about 25% less gasoline (in ideal conditions) than mine, it still burns gasoline. Not only that, but you know who doesn’t burn any gasoline? People who walk, bike, take public transportation, or drive significantly less often and less far than you do.
I suppose the only people Mr. Prius finds attractive are those with their heads permanently stuck up their asses.
I hate the eco movement. They’re self righteous, pompous, more irritating than hippies, but worst of all have based their entire stance on theories that will take centuries to prove because the climate is a fickle mistress whose sheer enormity and omnipresence make it an impossible target for legitimate experimentation – not to mention that even if we could perform such experiments, the timeframes we are looking at span many hundreds of human generations, not 50 years like some of Al Gore’s followers are claming.
By the way, most eco-movement types are strongly against prayer in schools and intelligent design even though there is as much evidence for both as there is for any of their climate beliefs.
As I’ve said before it all boils down to what you are emotionally inclined to believe. You might as well take the brain out of the picture because people don’t use them when formulating positions.
I believe that Prius owners buy them for two reasons: to save money and to feel superior over non-Prius owners, both of which are categorically selfish motives. I am vindicated in this belief every single time I interact with someone who owns a Prius. They have yet to disappoint. On second thought…
I was in Shanghai and Beijing in October 2006 and even then the Chinese were plugging the Olympics so hard. They are more into the fact that the Olympic Committee gave them 2008 than Americans were when we landed on the moon 40 years ago.
Now as we get closer to it and the evil Western press is criticizing China’s oppressive control of Tibet, millions of Chinese are crying about how it’s propoganda and we’re out to sabotage their divine right to host the Olympics, etc. etc.
First: the Olympics are a western tradition that we have extended globally so that the gold medal winners really are the best, not just the best in one hemisphere. Second, the fanfare surrounding the Beijing decision in China is really because of the statement that it makes. The western world has accepted China as worthy of hosting a spectacular international event that requires giant organization and huge money. This is why they are so happy. China is finally part of the club after years of treading water in a sea of socialist bullshit.
But guess what kids: you got the cake, now eat it too. The western press isn’t doing anything to you that they don’t do to each other and themselves every day of the week. If you want to be part of the western club, you have to accept western media scruitny. Every little bullshit thing that might be considered scanadalous or “wrong” in the sense that it has grown to mean among newspaper editors is going to be front page news and no, they won’t portray you very nicely. America is the leader of the free world and the international press runs cartoons of him featuring devil’s horns and writes scathing policy reviews weekly.
This is the price of being accepted to the club guys. If you want the honor of hosting a western tradition you’re going to have to suffer the microscope of the western press. If not, why not just tell us to fuck off and seal your borders like Kim Jong Il?
Now, Tibet? Who cares. Every nation on the planet has skeletons in its closet. No government is perfect, and some people who supposedly want to be “free” aren’t – it’s a fact of life. If I were China I’d let Tibet govern themselves, but China probably has nuclear missile silos in the mountains of Tibet, so that probably explains why they won’t let them go for a long long time.
So, if you’re a Chinese citizen worried about the press saying mean things about the Chinese government or its people – don’t sweat it. I’m an American citizen and the newspapers and CNN don’t agree with me politically, so they mock me and my beliefs every minute of the day. They also mock the government I helped to elect. In your case, you guys don’t even have any control of who your leaders are so it should be even less personal.
If you haven’t figured it out already: the press is bullshit. Don’t listen to a word they say.
I am really sick of the IMVU ads on every website on the internet. Every single ad shows a very creepy ambigously hentai skank who appears to be purposely drawn to look 13 wearing a very bizarre outfit that looks like softcore BSDM gear but always, always shows navel.
This website is hoping hundreds of thousands of bored horny male internet geeks will create avatars hoping to meet these girls in their ads, but as we all know, these girls are either decoys from How to Catch a Predator, men pretending to be girls, or old overweight cat women who use the internet to project a body they neither ever did have nor ever could have.
The whole thing is tasteless and qualifies as first class internet polution.
Oh, also, Zwinky sucks too.
Following is a list of words and phrases that, once spoken, forever and categorically demarcate you an asshole. If you are in the habit of using this ridiculous jargon, consider youself blessed that you stumbled upon the road to salvation, i.e., this post.
1. Triple Threat.
The media loves this one. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard dipshits on the E! channel and occasionally VH-1 describe Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan as “triple threats.” The translation of this phrase, which they are naturally required to provide in the same airing because it doesn’t make any fucking sense at all, means that the subject to which this description applies is capable of singing, dancing, and acting.
Who exactly are they threatening, you morons? Threat to who? Threat to what? The only threat here is that the dipshit media that covers them will kill my brain cells by uttering phrases like “triple threat” to describe them, which makes it almost like using a word in its own definition. Stupid.
2. Preggo (alt. preggers)
Asshats around the world are, for inexplicable reasons known only to them, drawn to replacing the English adjective “pregnant” with the “abbreviation(s)” of “preggo” or “preggers”. I say “abbreviation” because in both cases the number of syllables is the same and in the case of “preggers” it is the same number of letters.
Why the fuck can’t you say pregnant? I find girls are more likely to use this bizarrre vernacular than men, probably because being “pregnant” is a mark of shame for a growing number of women who get knocked up before getting married (or worse, knocked up with no intention of ever getting married or from a man whose name and identity they can’t remember, which is a fate worse than death for these sluts because they now have a baby with no one to sue for child support).
No matter what the liberal propaganda machine says about how single motherhood is okay (e..g, the Murphy Brown show), girls whisper the word pregnant and replace it with slang because they instinctively recognize that being pregnant without a man to look after the mother and the baby is embarassing for the mother and everyone knows it.
Crap is to shit as preggers is to pregnant. The worst are the girls who themselves are pregnant with bastards who apply these terms to themselves. Whores, if you can’t even admit that you’re pregnant to the point that you’re reducing the power of word when you describe your condition to others, you should consider putting your baby up for adoption because you’re obviously unqualified to be a parent.
3. Let’s agree to disagree.
Translation when spoken by a woman to a man: you won the debate but I won’t admit it. Now that I’ve exhausted all my counters to the points you’ve so brilliantly elocuted, rather than change my stubborn, unfounded, and patently incorrect views, I’m going to hold on to them because I’m incapable of admitting when I’m wrong. I will continue to espouse ridiculous and stupid ideas.
Translation when spoken by a man to a woman: if I succeed in proving my point, you’ll get moody and pissy. I will have to expend extra effort tonight on things like foreplay in order to get you to forget the fact that you’re an idiot (and I can prove it) and thaw out enough for penetration, or if I take this debate too far, there’s a good chance I won’t get laid at all. Plus, you’re likely to ignore all factual evidence in this discussion anyway since, being a woman, you have a tendency to emotionally attach yourselves to ideas no matter how absurd and are then incapable of looking at them objectively.
Translation when spoken by a woman to a woman: I hate you, bitch. I’m not inviting you to my wedding.
Translation when spoken by a man to a man: I secretly fantasize about being penetrated anally, and you’ve appeared a number of times. Interested?
Every time this phrase is spoken, humanity takes a step backward.
4. In his/her own right.
“So-and-so has become a something-or-other in his own right.” Usually this phrase is uttered to describe some fucktard in Hollywood, usually “a writer in his own right” or “a pop star in her own right.”
I ask you only one simple question: what the fuck does this mean? The answer is it doesn’t matter, because it’s a stupid phrase and should be eliminated from vernacular. If you say something like this, it means you’re trying to sound artsy and hip. What you’re actually saying to anyone who actually matters on planet earth is that you’re not worth the air you breathe. Go die please.
5. Comfortable in his/her/ skin.
The only time people are uncomfortable in their skin is if it’s rotting off due to herpes, genital warts, or leprosy. People use it to mean that the subject of the phrase is not a pussy and/or is immune to usually well-deserved mockery. The only evidence I need to support the abject absurdity of this phrase is that Maya Angelou used it to describe Hillary Clinton. QED.
“Are you living green?” “Do you keep a green home?” ”Here are some tips you can use to make your office greener.”
Do I really need to elaborate? This phrase is dumb on so many levels it’s hard to know where to begin.
First off, it’s totally contradictory. Let’s review the facts.
Global warming is bad, right? Global warming is caused by carbon emissions, right? Emissions that are a.k.a. “greenhouse gasses” right?
Carbon emissions actually increase the amount of vegetation on the planet, you morons. Plants breathe carbon dioxide. In the last 100 years plant life has been flourishing because of the extra C02 in the atmosphere. Burning oil = greener earth.
So living “green” would mean burning crap to produce C02 for the hell of it. The only way you can rationalize the fact that “green” means “good for the environment” is that “green” usually means, “we still burn thousands of gallons of gas each year commuting to and from our offices, but once there, we recycle!” Thus, you could argue that green means you’re recylcing paper which reduces the amount of rainforest deforestation that occurs to produce paper, but that’s a pretty huge stretch, don’t you think?
The next time someone says “I live a green lifestyle” ask them if they prefer their swimming pools, swiss cheese, and external genitalia green. That will shut them up.
I hate Montgomery County, Maryland. I hated it so much that I spent nearly all of my monthly income to move away from it. Far, far away. Unfortunately I still work in Montgomery Country, Maryland (Rockville, specifically). A small piece of me dies whenever I’m in this horrible twisted shithole of a place.
Let’s review the facts.
1. There are no liquor stores.
This one blows my mind considering the fact that Montgomery County is on the cuff of D.C. and is filled with lawyers, politicians, and assholes who work for lawyers and politicians. And we all know how much these people like scotch. There are a tiny number of hard liquor licenses available in Montgomery County – it’s almost all beer and wine – which increases the Yuppiness factor by about 10 right off the bat. And of course, we all know that this tight-assed liquor policy is actually just racism in disguise., which I’ll get to in a second.
2. The Yuppiness Factor is gigantic.
When driving in Montgomery County, take a minute to count the number of luxury SUVs on the roads driven by women who look like the wives of rich men. The housing market is one of the most inflated on the planet. Who the fuck would want to live anywhere near Rockville Pike? That place is a congested commercialized scab on the ass of America, but the houses on either side of it, even ones overlooking metro tracks, cost at least $500,000. There are condos – condos, mind you, not town homes – in a building local to nothing overlooking the beautiful scenic Rt. 270 that are going for $780,000 for a 1,500 square foot condo. Real estate on the right hand of Jesus Christ doesn’t go for that kind of money when you consider the cost-benefit ratio: huge cost, awful location, terrible view, smog pollution and noise 24×7, sharing a building with other assholes who have no idea how to spend the hundreds of thousands of dollars they don’t deserve from doing some talentless job like law or wealth management. But they have a gym on the 17th floor with a few Ikea Exerbikes, so I guess that’s worth the money.
This real estate price gouging is not unique to real estate. Everything in Montgomery County costs 3 times what it’s worth, and it costs 1.5 times what it costs in the counties surrounding it to the north and east. And why? Why else? To keep the darkies out, of course, ipso facto:
3. Montgomery County is a passive-aggressively racist.
As much as lawyers and politicians like scotch, those darkies love them some malt liquor. Everyone knows the black man can’t function without getting wasted off his ass all the time, so if you keep liquor stores out of the county, the negroes will live somewhere else too, like for example, Prince Georges county right next door. As they say in MoCo, not in my backyard!
Look, if you’re going to be racist, just follow the lead of many counties in the south and the entire state of Arkansas and just say so. This passive-aggressive racism is lame as hell. P.S., Asians are fine with us.
4. Montgomery County’s roads are a fascist nightmare
I take Wootton Parkway to get from the Darnestown/Shady Grove area to the other side of 355. Why? Because it is the only road that isn’t miles and miles out of the way.
Wootton Parkway has a high school on it. Okay, fine, it’s 25mph for a stretch (it’s otherwise 35mph).
In the 2 years that I have been driving on Wootton, the following has taken place:
Red light cameras have been installed on 8 out of the 15 or so traffic lights on the road total. I don’t pass through most of these since they are past my office.
One of those stupid solar powered radar signs that flash when your speed exceeds the posted limit was installed on either end of the strip right in front of the school. There are crosswalks for the kiddies, so this is acceptable.
The MoCo Worker’s Party petitioned the tax payers of MoCo to fund speed trap cameras in front of the school after the patsy radar sign did nothing to deter speeding between the hours of 5pm and 9pm, in other words, hours and hours after 99% of school children would be anywhere near the school. The speed trap cameras charge you $40 if they catch you moving faster than 25mph in that zone. You are informed that you have been charged by MoCo by a nicely enveloped letter containing a photograph of your car speeding. Normally this could very easily be defeated simply by claiming that someone stole your car but returned it to you before you notified the police. Since I am innocent until proven guilty, the prosecutor would have to prove that I am lying. Since he neither could prove that nor would he waste the money, he doesn’t. But just try using that defense against a traffic judge in MoCo. That fascist bastard won’t get a raise unless he gets more revenue from these tickets so of course he upholds them every time despite the fact that this is an egregious violation of our rights. Fortunately MoCo, 90% of its residents spend $40 a week on Starbucks so they laugh it off and pay the fine.
One of those stupid solar powered radar signs that flash when your speed exceeds the posted limit was installed about 2 miles away from the school on the corner of a housing development that has a crosswalk to the other side of the street, which happens to contain a park. This particular sign starts flashing when your speed is 30mph even though the posted limit is 35mph. Everyone, and by everyone I mean ex-trophy wives of rich men in luxury SUVs, slam on their breaks when they see the flashing sign and reduce their speed to 25mph despite the fact that the limit is 35mph. This behavior requires me to take any or all of the following actions: tailgate luxury SUV extremely closely until it resumes the speed of 35mph, usually about 100 yards down the road where the speed limit sign clearly indicates 35mph, flash high beams aggressively, especially at night, or sit on car horn until driver resumes 35mph speed.
How did all of this happen? Bitchy parents with nothing to do, bitchy single mothers who like to jog with their strollers during rush hour, and divorced men who walk their dogs as an excuse to interact with sweaty spandex wearing bitchy single mothers desperately trying to get back into shape to attract a divorced sugar daddy have all complained that people “drive too fast on Wootton Parkway.” We drive 35mph, and it’s the only goddamned road from Shady Grove to 355. Maybe you should have thought about that before you bought your $1,000,000 3 bedroom in a development out of which you have no fucking prayer of making a left at 8:45am because we’re all trying to get to work to pay taxes to fund the very radar devices that oppress us.
5. Montgomery County lets men into women’s bathrooms
This is the final nail in a long line of nails in the coffin of MoCo’s credibility. Mike Adams led me to this one - stunning. Apparently the transsexual “community” has decided that they are discriminated against because shemales still have to use men’s bathrooms. This probably tips off the straight guy they’re flirting with at the bar that something is hideously amiss when she has to slip into the men’s room. In an effort to eliminate this discrimination, which is clearly MoCo’s top priority (that and installing new speed trap cameras on major thoroughfares populated by assholes), MoCo passed a law that makes it legal for pretty much anyone to enter a woman’s bathroom at any time. Here is the anti-discrimination text which defines which criteria cannot be used to stop a person from entering a bathroom or shower marked as “women only”:
“An individual’s actual or perceived gender, including a person’s gender-related appearance, expression, image, identity, or behavior, whether or not those gender-related characteristics differ from the characteristics customarily associated with the person’s assigned sex at birth.”
So all I need to do is claim that I self-identify as a woman, regardless of the fact that I neither look, behave, or act with any of the “gender-related characteristics customarily associated with [my] assigned sex at birth” which happens to be male. I’m really glad MoCo passed this bill. It’s hard to imagine that anyone could do anything to make MoCo a worse place to live or work, but leave it to the assholes in charge to make purgatory even shittier. Here are the consequences of this bill:
Men will start using women’s bathrooms because for 30 or 40 seconds they really did gender-identify as women, scout’s honor. The number of cases of men with multiple personalities reported in MoCo will skyrocket. Most of these men will be convicted or suspected sex offenders who coincidentally have exactly 2 personalities: the first is their normal self, but the second is a lesbian female personality who has two interests. The first is urination. The second is photography and cinema.
Women will start using men’s bathrooms when theirs are crowded (always). Men will no longer be able to ever take shits and many women will descend into the vulgar, crude, and sometimes erotic habit of learning to piss in urinals. I foresee many spontaneous explosion at bars and clubs. The cause: men will have to restrain from farting loudly in the men’s room because their dates will just come in with them. Not wanting to wait in the long female/shemale/sex-offender bathroom line, she will just come with her date to the men’s room. Why not? If shemales can pull a switcheroo, then so can totally straight women. After all, anything less would be discrimination based on birth-assigned gender. And she’ll always seem to want to go with her date because even though like a good little generation 2 feminist she’ll never admit that she won’t feel safe without a man committed to her safety in the men’s room, she won’t feel safe without a man committed to her safety in the men’s room.
The number of rapes, sexual assualts, and hidden toilet camera porn sites will jump through the fucking roof and we’ll have only the dumbass liberals to blame.
I really do understand this new legislation. This is only one of the most fundamental and basic human traditions that nearly every culture throughout natural history has adopted. I can see why this has to be changed. No progressive regime would be caught dead following traditions that are thousands of years old. Do we live in caves? Please, this is 2008. We are totally above using putting heiroglyphics on doors indicating who’s allowed to enter. 40 years ago blacks couldn’t drink from white-only drinking fountains. Today, it’s unacceptable that we partition any space – water fountain, restaurant, bathroom, on any criteria that separates people, for example, “birth-assigned gender”. I mean, what if we changed the man and woman icons with a cross and a Star of David? That would be totally illegal, right?
Even in indigenous Brazilian tribes where the girls think nothing of dancing in ceremonies totally ass naked, they still have a separate area to crap than men, or at the very least they do it at different times. Why? Because we men are animals. While most civilized men are above rape period, there’s a surprisingly large number of men (i.e., men who haven’t had sex in a long period of time, such as 8 days) who might find their moral obligation not to rape girls hard to obey when they’ve got a woman with her pants off in the stall next to them. Haven’t the feminists been claiming that all men are rapists for 40 years? I’ve got a great idea. Give men access to a woman’s gym shower and let’s prove them right.
Fuck Montgomery County. Thank God I live in Frederick.